this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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