my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize