High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
