Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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