Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
