Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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