I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
