I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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