I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We have started to decorate penises.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
