at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
