I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
