There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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