he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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