a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If I had your ass I would rule the world
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
