Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
