i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
