Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
