So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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