Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
