Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
