Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
