I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
