So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So much rum. So many feels.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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