the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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