You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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