ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
