Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
