My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
