our cab driver is having phone sex.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
