Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
