the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
