I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
