she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
