U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
