Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
