Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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