my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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