I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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