So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
worst night to have a conscience
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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