wrigley field is MILF paradise
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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