i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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