I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
everyone is single if you try hard enough
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize