I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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