I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We left the knife in your bed.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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