I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
