"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
