Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
