I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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