Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
