i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
