Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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