When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
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