I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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