I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize