it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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