just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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