When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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