What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
