Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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