He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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