It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Say something about gay babies.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
