Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
