I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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