I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
