The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
